The Subtle Shift That Transforms How You Connect
When a Feeling Becomes Your Identity
Let’s be honest: in our professional lives, effective communication and genuine connection are no longer just "nice-to-haves." They're foundational. From leading a team and collaborating on projects to networking and building your personal brand, the ability to connect deeply and authentically is paramount.
Yet, for many of us, social interactions can sometimes feel… well, awkward. You might find yourself searching for the right words in a team meeting, feeling tongue-tied at a networking event, or simply struggling to move beyond surface-level conversations with colleagues. If you've ever thought, "I am just not good at this," or "I am a bit shy," you're far from alone.
The good news? What if I told you that the key to unlocking more confident communication and deeper connections lies in a subtle yet profound shift in how you relate to those feelings of awkwardness or shyness?
When a Feeling Becomes Your Identity
In his insightful work on "Mindsight," Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, introduces a powerful concept that can transform our relationship with challenging emotions. He highlights the critical difference between saying, "I am [an emotion or trait]" and "I feel [an emotion or trait]."
Think about it:
"I am shy."
"I am awkward."
"I am bad at small talk."
These statements often feel profoundly true. They become labels we wear, defining who we believe ourselves to be in social and professional settings. When you say "I am shy," it implies that shyness is a fixed, inherent part of your identity, like your eye colour or height. It suggests an unchangeable state, leading to a sense of helplessness and limiting your potential for growth and development. If you are shy, then any attempt to be otherwise feels inauthentic, or even impossible.
You Have a Feeling, You Aren't Defined By It
Now, consider the alternative:
"I feel shy right now."
"I feel awkward in this situation."
"I feel nervous about starting this conversation."
This seemingly small linguistic shift is actually monumental. It creates crucial psychological distance between you (your core self, your awareness) and the feeling you are experiencing.
When you say "I feel shy," you're acknowledging that shyness is a temporary state, a sensation that is moving through you, rather than a permanent characteristic that defines your entire being. You become the observer of the feeling, not its prisoner. This simple rephrasing:
Creates Space for Observation: Instead of being swallowed by the emotion, you can now examine it. Where do I feel this shyness in my body? What thoughts are accompanying it? Is it a tightness in my chest, a racing heart, a mind going blank? This mindful observation, a core component of Mindsight, enables you to break down the feeling into manageable parts.
Empowers You with Agency: If you are shy, you might feel stuck. But if you feel shy, you retain your agency. You have the choice to observe that feeling and then decide how to respond to it. The feeling is present, but it doesn't dictate your actions.
Reduces Shame and Self-Criticism: The "I am" statements often fuel an inner critic, leading to shame ("I'm so pathetic for being this way"). The "I feel" approach fosters self-compassion. It normalises the experience – everyone feels awkward or shy at times. It reminds you that a feeling is just information, not a judgment of your worth.
Opens the Door to Neuroplasticity: Our brains are incredibly adaptable. Every time you consciously shift from "I am" to "I feel," you’re actively rewiring neural pathways. You're training your brain to transition from automatic, fear-based reactions to a more reflective and regulated state. This builds resilience and flexibility in your communication.
Enhancing Professional Connections
So, how can you leverage this shift in your daily professional life to become a more influential communicator and build stronger connections?
1. During Team Meetings or Presentations: You might feel a surge of nervousness when it's your turn to speak. Instead of "I am terrible at public speaking," try acknowledging, "I feel nervous presenting today." Then, channel that energy. Take a deep breath, focus on one friendly face, and remember your message. Even if the feeling is present, you can still deliver effectively.
2. At Networking Events or Office Socials: The idea of walking into a room full of strangers can be daunting. "I am so awkward at networking" might be your immediate thought. Reframe it: "I feel a bit hesitant to initiate conversations right now." This allows you to observe the hesitation, perhaps take a moment to collect your thoughts, and then consciously decide to approach someone, even if it's just for a brief introduction. Remember, many others likely feel similar emotions as well.
3. In One-on-One Conversations with Colleagues: Sometimes, you want to build a deeper rapport but feel a block. "I am not good at small talk." Instead: "I feel a bit unsure how to extend this conversation beyond work topics." This awareness might prompt you to ask an open-ended question about their weekend, a recent project they enjoyed, or a shared interest. The feeling of awkwardness can be a signpost, not a roadblock.
4. When Seeking Feedback or Mentorship: Approaching a senior leader can be intimidating. "I am too intimidated to ask for their time." Shift to: "I feel intimidated by their position, but I also feel a strong desire to learn from them." This helps you separate the feeling from the objective of your outreach, empowering you to draft that email or schedule that coffee chat.
Deepening Personal Relationships
The power of "I feel" extends seamlessly into your personal life, helping you foster deeper connections with friends and family:
With Friends: Instead of "I am just not good at comforting people," you might recognise, "I feel a bit overwhelmed by my friend's sadness right now." This allows you to process your own feelings, then choose to offer a simple presence, a listening ear, or a hug, rather than retreating.
In Conflicts: "I am so angry when this happens" can escalate an argument. "I feel angry about this situation" allows you to express your emotion without it consuming you, making space for constructive dialogue and resolution.
The Path to Influence and Authenticity
By consistently practising this subtle shift, you gradually cultivate greater emotional intelligence and self-awareness. You learn to observe your internal landscape without judgment, gaining control over your responses rather than being at the mercy of your feelings. This doesn't mean you'll never feel awkward or shy again. It means that when those feelings arise, they won't define or derail you.
Instead, they become temporary signals, information that you can acknowledge and then choose how to act upon. This newfound agility allows you to:
Communicate with greater clarity and confidence.
Connect more authentically with colleagues and clients.
Navigate challenging social situations with increased ease.
Ultimately, enhance your influence and impact in every sphere of your life.
Your feelings are transient experiences; your identity is resilient, evolving, and capable of profound growth. Embrace the power of "I feel," and watch how your world and your connections expand.
Key Takeaways
Distinguish Feelings from Identity: Understand that "I feel X" creates crucial distance from an emotion, preventing it from defining you ("I am X"). This empowers you to observe and respond accordingly.
Cultivate Mindful Awareness: Practice recognising and naming your transient emotions (e.g., "I feel nervous," "I feel awkward") without judgment, particularly in professional social settings. This internal observation is the first step towards changing your relationship with these feelings.
Act with Agency, Not Just Emotion: Use the "I feel" distinction to maintain your capacity for intentional action, even when uncomfortable emotions are present. This builds new neural pathways for confidence and more effective communication, fostering stronger professional and personal connections.